Touch for Rapture Rather Than Effect

Once I had a client-couple, Arthur and Ellie (not their real names). Arthur loved making out with her, and she loved his enthusiasm and attention. He loved the way she felt—there was something about her smooth and creamy skin, and the way she responded with such delight to his loving and passionate touch. Yet (and she felt guilty just thinking about it, because she knew he was trying so hard) Ellie often found it hard to fully surrender to his touch. Sometimes she felt almost as if she were resisting it! This made no sense to her—he was so enthusiastic and passionate!
Arthur (being the sensitive soul that he is) noticed this (eventually) and thought, “I should focus even more on making sure this feels really good to Ellie. I want her to fall in love with the way I make love with her.” So he’d try even harder to get the good effects. And while Ellie appreciated his intention, the more he turned up his efforts, the less what he did felt good to her.
Every woman wants as much love, care, and attention, just like Art was giving to Ellie! Why wasn’t their strategy working? Should I have told Arthur to try less to please her?
Arthur was following a common strategy: he was trying to make it feel good to her. Well—doesn’t that make sense? I call this strategy “touching for effect.” You are touching for effect when your goal is to make the other person feel pleasure.
Touching for effect puts your attention on you (“How am I doing?”) rather than on your partner—and your partner can feel this. Pleasure occurs in the present moment, not in the future. Great pleasure comes from playfulness and exploration, not from trying to make something wonderful happen.
Here’s what happens with the touch-for-effect strategy:

• Your partner can feel that you are not engaging with them in the present moment. They can feel that your attention is on your performance—not really on their pleasure.
• Because your attention is on how well you’re performing, it isn’t on your pleasure either—so you actually feel less than you could. The less you can feel, the less you are aware of (and can respond to) what your partner is feeling. If you think they can’t tell this is happening, ask them.
• • Since your partner can tell (maybe not consciously) that “you’re not fully there,” they tend to “go away” and become harder to reach. This can create a vicious cycle.

  So, I advised Arthur and Ellie to let go of the “touch for effect” strategy altogether. Now let’s talk about you. Here is what you can do instead: I call this the “touch for rapture” strategy.
  One: Begin to enjoy “selfish sex.” Make sure that every touch feels really good to you. Allow yourself to feel joy and delight for yourself in the present moment. This should be easy once you let yourself bask in how good she or he feels. Slow down—you are touching and feeling a precious object.
  Two: As you do step One, your partner will feel your joy. Let in his or her feeling of your energy as he or she becomes aware of your attention on them. Let yourself get the idea that your partner is feeling your enjoyment of them. People are hungry for attention and for that sense of being touched (and truly felt) in the present moment.
  Three: Relax, for it is in the relaxing you allow your own freeways of feeling to expand. Allow those feelings to spread through your body.
  Try it! Here’s the step-by-step:
  
  Face your partner, and ask him or her to extend their arm towards you. Support their arm with your hand (or a pillow) so that it’s very relaxed. You are going to stroke their arm. First, make your touching feel really, really good to your partner. Focus on your touching technique—your goal here is to make sure they have a really great experience.
  Do this for about a minute. Then stop stroking, and just hold their arm softly (attending to and enjoying the transition). Now, as you’re holding your partner’s arm, let your awareness soak into their skin. Feel (without moving) how good your partner feels. You are touching and feeling a precious object.
  Then slowly begin to stroke their arm with the palm of your hand, feel how good that feels to you. Just go into the joy of feeling. Really enjoy the moment!
  What did you notice with the first session? And with the second? Tell your partner what you noticed with each session. Now ask them what each session was like for them.
  Once you have tried this on a partner’s arm, and gotten the hang of it, you can transfer this skill to your partner’s more private parts! They (and you) will notice a profound shift when you touch for rapture rather than effect.
  When Arthur learned about Touch for Rapture, he realized that this was what he really wanted to do all along—he just gloried in how good Ellie felt, and now here I was telling him to feel her as deeply as possible—as well as to make it feel surprisingly good to himself. For Arthur (and therefore, of course, for Ellie), that was the magic key!